Have you ever stopped to assess your relationship with yourself?
Most people go blank when I ask this in the therapy room. The honest answer is usually no. Not because they don’t care about themselves, but because nobody ever taught them that this question even exists. We grow up learning how to relate to others—how to be polite, how to share, how to adjust, how to “not make a fuss.” But very rarely are we taught the skills of relating to ourselves.
From a young age, we receive subtle and loud messages about what is acceptable and what isn’t. Be agreeable. Don’t upset others. Don’t ask for too much. Be grateful. Smile. Don’t be “difficult.” Over time, these lessons stop being instructions and start becoming internalised truths. They turn into invisible rules shaping how we show up in the world. We learn to mould ourselves into versions that please others, meet expectations, and maintain harmony—even at the cost of our own needs.
And so, slowly and quietly, our relationship with ourselves begins to erode.
We become fluent in the language of care for others but remain illiterate in the language of caring for ourselves. We know how to sense other people’s emotions instantly, but struggle to name our own. We can explain what our friends need, but not what we need. And the moment we try to prioritise ourselves, the world is quick to hand us a label we internalise deeply: selfish.
Somewhere in this lifelong training, we forget that we matter too. We forget that our inner world deserves space, curiosity, and compassion.
So when adulthood finally arrives with its demand for independent choices—our own opinions, boundaries, desires, values—many of us freeze. How are we supposed to speak from a voice we were never encouraged to develop? How do we trust instincts we were taught to silence? How do we choose for ourselves when our entire life revolved around choosing what keeps others comfortable?
This is where the concept of your relationship with yourself becomes not just important, but essential. Because relationships are not only between people; they are also within us. And like any relationship, the one with yourself needs attention, nurturing, honesty, and time.
Understanding your needs, boundaries, beliefs, and desires is the foundation of any meaningful connection—with others and with the world. When you know yourself, you show up differently. You communicate with clarity rather than guilt. You make choices with intention rather than fear. You set boundaries without feeling like you’re betraying someone. You recognise your emotions rather than suppressing them. You trust your instincts instead of seeking constant external approval.
This isn’t self-centredness. This is self-relationship. And it directly influences every other relationship you have.
Now, when we talk about change, especially social change or cultural change, the expectation often feels overwhelming. “How can I, one person, shift anything?” But the truth is, large-scale change rarely starts collectively. It begins individually—one person understanding themselves, one person healing generational patterns, one person breaking old conditioning, one person choosing authenticity over approval.
There are two ways society changes:
One, everyone decides to change together—which is idealistic and slow.
Or two, each person takes responsibility for the one life they have full access to and full influence over—their own.
Change at a societal level becomes possible only when enough individuals begin doing this inner work. And that inner work always begins with awareness of your relationship with yourself.
In my therapy room, I’ve seen people pause for the first time in their lives when I ask, “How do you feel?” or “What do you want?” These questions, which should feel familiar, instead feel foreign. Yet slowly, they become doorways. Doorways into healing, understanding, clarity, and self-trust.
And this question isn’t only meant for therapy. It is meant for the moments outside—the moments when you ignore your exhaustion just to meet expectations, when you silence your boundaries to maintain peace, when you choose convenience over authenticity. These are the moments that call you back to yourself.
So let the question return, quietly but insistently, until it becomes a part of your everyday awareness:
How well do you know the person you’re going to spend your entire life with—you?
Because the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you will ever build.
About the Author
Manovriti is an initiative dedicated to mental health awareness and support. With expertise in mental health, neuro diversity, Trauma, grief, relationship and marital counselling, queer affirmative care and work place wellbeing. Gayatri is dedicated to promoting holistic mental health strategies in professional and personal setting. Connect with Gayatri on LinkedIn -www.linkedin.com/in/gayatri-shinde-075480338 and Instagram- @therapistkatta and @therapyatmanovriti.