For many, our first friendships emerged in Kindergarten or primary school. As we ploughed through higher grades, it was easy to forge relationships with many friends as we were all in the same class, school and phase of life year after year. We shared similar routines and meeting for fun was easy because our schedules and holidays coincided. The transition to college is intimidating for some but most people find their tribe by the end of the first year. And if you are in a hostel, the bonds of friendships only deepen as you hang out with friends from dawn to dusk.
Then you enter the adult world and the ground shifts. In her book, The Let Them Theory, bestselling author Mel Robbins describes the challenges of forming and maintaining friendships as adults and explains the dynamics that underpin platonic relationships.
As you enter your twenties, the friends you formed in your student years tend to scatter across the globe. Robbins calls this phenomenon the “Great Scattering” because it’s not limited to geographical distance. Your friends pick different careers and form their own networks. Some people enter into romantic partnerships and as the years progress, some get married and even start families.
The new friends you make, whether at work or at the gym, may also be in different phases of life from you. According to Robbins, the “structure that supported” your youthful friendships does not exist any longer. This can be both liberating and intimidating. If you didn’t make good friends in school, letting go of negative stereotypes that dogged your early years can be freeing. Whether it’s “mug pot,” “scaredy cat” or “bully,” you yearn to start afresh without childhood taunts shadowing you into your adult life.
If had an amicable bunch in your student days, you may initially feel at a loss because the onus of making friends as an adult is now entirely on you. But if you remain open to meeting new people, you can also cultivate meaningful relationships right through your life. Further, you need to realize that friendships in adulthood tend to be more dynamic and fluid than the bonds we might have formed in childhood. Relationships may also wax and wane for reasons beyond anyone’s control.
The three pillars on which friendships are built are proximity, timing and energy, avers Robbins. Proximity refers to being physically close to people so that you have opportunities to bond in-person. While meeting one-on-one definitely strengthens relationships, it is possible to maintain close ties by talking on the phone. But this works only if you already have a close connect with the person. To forge new friendships, meeting face to face is essential.
Timing, according to Robbins, refers to the phase of life you are in and how much you have in common with others. Though it is possible to befriend people of different ages, it’s much easier if you’re in the “same chapter of life,” where you harbor similar hopes and fears.
The third pillar refers to the ‘energy’ between people. You either vibe or don’t and sometimes there’s no straightforward explanation for this. Further, this vibe can morph over time. You may suddenly find that you are hitting it off with someone you couldn’t gel with earlier. Or, you sense a strain with someone you used to get along with. It’s possible that you have evolved in different ways. While you may have warm memories of times spent together, there’s no point hankering for bygone days. Even if you were “best friends” at one point, it doesn’t mean you are yoked together for life.
As Robbins says, some people are “meant to be in your life for a season,” others for a “specific reason,” and possibly the rare few for a lifetime.
About the Author
Aruna Sankaranarayanan is the author of Zero Limits and the co-author of Bee-Witched along with Brinda S. Narayan.