That autistic people lack empathy is a negative stereotype that unfortunately dogs the neurodivergent community. Two books, by individuals who identify as autistic, offer profound insights about our collective humanity. The first, How to Read Minds, by Aimee Cliff discusses the “science and art of empathy.” The second, Unclouded by Longing, by Christopher Goodchild examines what it means to be autistic while plumbing our “deepest humanity.” Besides challenging the negative stereotype that autistics lack empathy, the books offer fresh perspectives on creating a more empathetic world.
On the margins
Cliff, who is a practicing psychotherapist, received a diagnosis of autism in her late twenties. Till then, she hadn’t questioned the notion that autistic people struggle to “understand how other people think or feel.” Now, she herself was the ‘other.’ Though she felt relieved to receive the diagnosis, she was also overcome with shame as she too had imbibed “harmful messages about autism” that are prevalent in both social and academic discourse.
Like Cliff, Gould also was diagnosed with “high-functioning autism” and was often “socially marginalized.” Inhabiting this “in-between space” allowed him to look at his life, including his mind, more objectively. While being on the fringes could be “lonely, exhausting,” it also engendered “creativity and insight.”
What has been missing in research on autism, for most of its history, is the voice of autistic people themselves. Fortunately, that is beginning to change as more neurodivergent therapists and writers provide a more nuanced and complex picture. Additionally, as autism encompasses a broad spectrum of minds, many of the earlier academic theories have been discounted.
Gould says that “life’s events,” including having autism, have played an elemental role in getting him to dig deep into himself. Through his eclectic spiritual practices, he has realized the murkiness of boundaries, including those between “self and other.” While being autistic is part of his identity, he realizes that “through spiritual eyes” his true identity is beyond the pale of diagnostic labels or disciplinary boundaries. At a fundamental level “we are all interconnected” and “[e]verything is as one.”
Beyond diagnostic labels
Both Cliff and Gould write that receiving a diagnosis helped them understand their otherwise inexplicable behaviour. Gould says that getting “an official diagnosis” was a “moment of enlightenment.” Yet, both authors note that labels are reductive and limiting. Cliff observes that diagnostic labels don’t capture the “messiness of the in-between.”
Gould writes that only when he extends compassion to his diagnostic label can he “move beyond” it to plumb his “deeper nature as a spiritual being.” According to him, pain and suffering can be a ‘gift’ when they allow you to surpass your “small self and into a deeper sense of who you really are.”
Labels also put people in boxes without capturing the diversity of various conditions. The black-and-white and definitive nature of clinical diagnoses jars with the spirit of empathy. Cliff says that empathy typically entails “embracing ambiguity, contradiction” and the complexities that accompany human emotions. Empathy involves a degree of uncertainty. The moment we are certain about something, “it limits our capacity” to consider other possibilities, which lies at the heart of empathy. Gould reminds us that autism is “so much more than you can possibly imagine, beyond any interpretation or definition.”
Empathy is relational
We also tend to believe that some people are more empathetic than others, another idea that Cliff questions. Empathy is also perceived as a feeling by most people. But Cliff argues that empathy is also a skill which we can all deploy, to varying degrees, depending on circumstances. Like most people, I’d like to think that I’m generally empathetic. However, there are times, especially when I’m stressed, when I’m unable to exercise empathy.
“Empathy is not something you do to another person,” writes Cliff. At its core, empathy is about “communication and connection” and is always relational. Crying during a movie is not a display of empathy because we aren’t engaging in a to-and-fro with actors on screen. According to Cliff, empathy is a multistep process that involves listening intently, trying to figure out the meaning of what you hear without judging and checking to see if you’ve understood correctly.
Further, it is possible to exercise empathy only to the extent that the other person “is willing to let you in.” And only if the other person experiences the exchange as ‘empathetic’ can it be called that. Empathy, by its nature, has to be a bi-directional experience where both people can display their authentic selves without feeling judged.
At a more sublime level, Gould writes that only when we can free ourselves of our minds or egos and merge with our hearts, do we realize that “there really is actually no separate self.”
Five Pillars
Cliff notes that anyone can learn to be empathetic by cultivating “five key pillars” that are ‘vital’ to her concept of empathy. The first, humility, involves entering conversations with an openness to learn from the other person. Regardless of how well we know someone, we don’t presume anything about their situation. Instead, we let them tell “their own story.” Contrary to what most people think, true empathy “recognizes that you can’t ever fully see things” from another person’s viewpoint. That’s why it’s important to repeatedly check in with them on whether you are understanding their perspective.
Autistic people tend to score over neurotypicals in this facet of empathy as the former are less confident in their ability to read people. As a result, they tend to ask as opposed to assume. When we assume how someone’s feeling, we aren’t exercising empathy, says Cliff. In fact, marginalized people often experience being misread by the powerful majority. According to Gould, giving “doubt a place in your life” can help you be more creative and probe deeper.
Drawing on the work of sociologist, Damian Milton, Cliff notes that just as autistic people may struggle to understand neurotypicals, the latter also fail to apprehend the viewpoint of autistics. So, rather than an empathy deficit in autistic people, there are “communication differences” between autists and neurotypicals that make it difficult, but not impossible, for the two groups to understand each other. The “real test of empathy” says Cliff lies in how we relate to people who are different from us.
Next, Cliff writes that empathy is embodied, rejecting Cartesian “mind-body dualism” that plagues Western science. She notes that at times, “the most powerful expression of empathy” is to just go with your gut-instinct and act on what your body is telling you. Your body picks up a vibe with another person and you respond automatically without second-guessing yourself. But to be aware and to respond to these interoceptive signals, we need to be in a safe space ourselves at that moment, both physically and psychologically.
We typically associate empathy with morality, assuming that empathetic people are ‘good’ while those are who fail to empathize are ‘bad.’ But Cliff reminds us that true empathy involves seeing the humanity in everyone and is non-judgmental, not dividing the world into types. Empathy, like other feelings, is “morally neutral,” whereas the words or actions they evoke may have “a moral significance.”
Cliff also argues that empathy is ‘radical’ as it is influenced not only by relational dynamics between two people but also impacted by sociocultural factors. Empathy not only involves including others in our world but also entering and understanding the world of ‘others,’ in whatever ways difference may present. It also requires being attuned to how power dynamics play out in the world. Further, “cultural empathy, involves recognizing how systemic factors shape people’s emotional experiences and how marginalized people often face an uphill battle.
Empathizing takes effort
Empathy isn’t easy and entails hard work. As “none of us can read minds,” Cliff says we need to invest conscious effort into cultivating empathy on an ongoing basis. She also reminds us that the cliched idea of empathy defining our humanity is misplaced. Rather acknowledging how “unknowable we are to each other” is what underpins our humanity. Even long married couples have to continually work at understanding each other. At times, we will all do a shoddy job of empathizing and that’s okay. Just as all of us can enhance our muscular strength, no matter how unfit we are, we can all up our empathy quotients with deliberate effort.
Finally, engaging in some form of meditation or mindfulness practice can help us grow less judgmental. According to Gould, contemplative practice helps us in “creating space” between ourselves and our thoughts. Deep empathy, which entails “dropping from your head and into your heart” is what we may strive for.
About the Author
The author is Visiting Faculty, School of Education, Azim Premji University & the co-author of Bee-witched.