Why We Stay Stuck — Even When We “Know Better”
You promise yourself you won’t lose your temper again.
You rehearse new boundaries in your head, determined to speak up next time.
You read, reflect, even heal — and yet, when life throws an unexpected situation your way, you react the same way.
A single look, a sharp word, a rejection, a pause — and something inside you contracts.
You shut down, or rush to fix, or withdraw in silence.
Later, you ask yourself, “Why do I keep doing this? I understand what’s happening — so why can’t I change it?”
The answer lies deeper than thought.
Because long before the mind learned to reason, the body learned to protect.
The Trigger Beneath the Trigger
What we call “overreacting” is often our body remembering an old, unfinished story.
Something in the present — a tone, a gesture, a word, or a posture — resembles an earlier moment in life when we didn’t feel safe to express ourselves.
Back then, our nervous system did what it knew best: it adapted — to stay safe, not just physically but emotionally too.
It changed our breathing, tightened our muscles, and taught us how to survive what we couldn’t understand.
So now, even when the adult mind knows it’s safe, the body — still loyal to its original role — responds as if it isn’t.
That’s why we find ourselves in cycles of anxiety, withdrawal, or over-giving.
It isn’t weakness or lack of awareness.
It’s simply that our body remembers what our mind has forgotten.
What We Were Like Before the World Happened to Us
When we were little children, we were all the same in essence — joyful, spontaneous, curious, and fully alive.
We laughed from our bellies, cried without shame, and recovered quickly. We gave and received love freely, forgave easily, and lived entirely in the present moment, wide-eyed with wonder.
Our breathing was open and natural — deep and rhythmic. We were connected to our bodies.
Then life began to happen.
A harsh word. A teacher’s disapproval. A parent’s anger or absence.
Moments when we felt unsafe, unseen, or unloved.
When something felt too big for our little hearts, our breathing changed — instinctively, silently — to help us survive:
- We held our breath when we felt scared.
- We breathed shallowly when we didn’t want to be noticed.
- We tightened our chest to stop the tears.
- We slowed our breathing to suppress anger or grief.
Our bodies adapted to protect us. In doing so, they learned patterns of contraction in the breath, muscles, and nervous system that kept us safe then — but restrict us now.
Each time an emotion arose and couldn’t be expressed, it didn’t disappear. It simply got tucked away as unfinished energy.
Where Do Those Unfelt Emotions Go?
The human body is an extraordinary storage system. It remembers every emotional experience we’ve ever had.
Emotions are energy. When we express them freely, energy flows. But when they’re suppressed, that energy becomes trapped — and over time, these layers of unexpressed emotion can block our energy channels, just like debris clogs a drainpipe.
A tight jaw, a heavy chest, a knot in the stomach — these aren’t random. They’re the body’s memory of what couldn’t be expressed.
Over years, these micro-contractions harden into posture, personality, and even chronic physical conditions.
We often say, “That’s just how I am.”
But what we really mean is, “That’s how my body learned to protect me.”
The Nervous System’s Way of Keeping Us Safe
Our nervous system is the most loyal guardian we have.
Its job isn’t to make us happy, but to keep us alive.
Whenever it senses a threat — emotional or physical — it activates one of four survival responses:
- Fight: tension, defensiveness, irritability.
- Flight: anxiety, restlessness, overworking.
- Freeze: numbness, disconnection, fatigue.
- Fawn: people-pleasing, appeasing, self-abandoning.
If we couldn’t complete these responses safely as children — if crying or saying no led to punishment or rejection — our nervous system learned to shut them down halfway.
That incomplete survival energy doesn’t vanish.
It stays stored in the body, waiting for a safe moment to finish its cycle.
That’s why a seemingly small situation — a disagreement, a tone, a loss — can sometimes trigger a disproportionate reaction.
It’s not about what’s happening now. It’s about what’s trying to complete itself from then.
The nervous system remembers even when the mind forgets.
So if the body holds the story, how do we help it finish what it started?
How Breathwork Helps Release What’s Been Held
The breath is the bridge between the body and the mind.
It’s both voluntary and involuntary — which means we can use it consciously to reach parts of ourselves that words cannot.
Every emotion we’ve ever experienced had a particular breathing pattern.
When we change the breath, we can access those old imprints and allow them to shift safely.
In trauma-informed breathwork, the goal isn’t to force catharsis or breathe harder — it’s to create a space where the body finally feels safe enough to let go.
As the breath deepens, the nervous system begins to soften its old defences.
The stuck energy — unexpressed anger, fear, grief, or shame — starts to move.
Sometimes it comes as tears, trembling, sighs, warmth, or gentle waves of emotion.
Other times, it’s simply a feeling of lightness or spaciousness in the body where there was tightness before.
Over time, the body learns a new rhythm — one of trust, openness, and natural flow.
It’s not a quick fix, but with consistency and safety, breathwork helps integrate what was once fragmented.
It invites the body to update its story: “I am safe now.”
Reclaiming Our Aliveness
Healing body-held trauma isn’t about erasing the past.
It’s about allowing the body to complete what it once had to suppress.
As the breath opens, the body releases old energy, and the nervous system rebalances.
You begin to notice subtle changes:
- You react less and respond more.
- You breathe more fully without effort.
- You feel more grounded and at ease in your body.
- You rediscover joy, calm, curiosity, and spontaneity — not as an effort, but as your natural state returning.
What emerges isn’t a new you, but the real you — the one who was always there beneath the layers of protection.
A Simple Tool to Begin With
Here’s a small practice to gently start reconnecting with your body and breath.
The “Pause and Feel” Breath
- Pause.
Wherever you are, stop for a moment and notice your breath. Don’t change it — just observe.
- Feel.
Bring awareness to your body. Where is there tightness, tension, or holding? Maybe your shoulders are raised, your jaw clenched, or your belly tight.
- Breathe into that space.
Take a slow, gentle inhale through the nose — imagine the breath reaching into that area. Exhale softly through the mouth, as if releasing a sigh.
- Repeat five times.
Each exhale, imagine letting go a little more. You might feel warmth, emotion, or even tears — that’s your body finally exhaling what it’s held for too long.
In Closing
The body doesn’t forget — but it can forgive, when given the chance.
Every ache, every pattern, every emotional storm is the body’s way of saying:
“Something inside me still needs love and breath.”
Through awareness, compassion, and gentle breathwork, we can begin to unfreeze what’s been stuck, unwind what’s been, and rediscover the natural tight flow of life that was once our birthright.
Because beneath every defence, every mask, and every contraction — there still lives that same little child you once were: open, curious, joyful, and completely free.
About the Author
Mamtha Rajesh is a psychotherapist and breathwork therapist with over 25 years of experience working with individual and couples across 16 countries. Founder of Utsmaya, she integrates psychotherapy, trauma awareness, and 5-Elements Breathwork to help people heal, grow, and live more authentic, connected lives. Her approach blends scientific depth with soulful presence, creating safe spaces for transformation through individual therapy and immersive retreats. Based in Bangalore, Mamtha also facilitates workshops on emotional well-being and human potential. She was the Runner-Up of Super Speaker Season 3, India’s largest reality show on inspirational speaking.
Website: www.mamtharajesh.com
Instagram:@mamtha_rajesh_dembla