I am sure you have all sat on a seesaw – whether in the playground in your school or in your neighbourhood. What does it feel like when you are the one hitting the ground? Does it feel different when you are the one hanging up in the air? What is the most comfortable position to be in for you? You have probably never thought of these questions before, because why would you need to?
I think about this often because I use the seesaw as a metaphor for the need for balance in relationships. A little wooden seesaw sits on my desk. Carefully picked out from the furniture set belonging to my daughter’s old playhouse, I didn’t realise when I bought it what valuable lessons about life it would teach me, and how useful I would find it in my work as a counsellor. People’s seesaws end up being tipped in one direction or the other. I decided to look deeper into this phenomenon to understand its impact on mental health.
For me the most comfortable position on the seesaw is when I am neither up nor down, but rather when I am balanced and at the same level as my partner at the other end of the seesaw, able to look them in the eye, and able to look past them as well to see everything else that is at eye level, whether this seesaw is representing my relationship with my intimate partner, my friend, my siblings, my colleagues, my neighbours…or any other relationship I may consider. Relationships with parents, teachers and bosses may take on a different dynamic but that is a conversation for another day. Each person on either side of the seesaw should be considered equal - equally worthy, capable and competent.
When I am filled with self-doubt about my worth, when I feel inferior to the other person whom I am in a relationship with, my side of the seesaw goes down, and the other side goes up. It goes up not because that person thinks they are superior. It goes up because I think I am inferior and therefore my side goes down. The other side has no choice but to go up. And interestingly the other side cannot do anything to come down. The person hoisted on the top has to wait for me (the person on the side that is lower down) to kick the ground and rise so that they can come down.
And yet, when we are at the lower end, we think the power and the control to equalize the seesaw lies with the person on the top. The reality is quite the opposite. The person on the top is powerless to balance the seesaw (and consequently the relationship). Quite the contrary. The control rests with the person who is lower down, the person who is not recognizing their worth, to equalize the balance by kicking the ground and rising.
But what does that really mean? This is not about physically kicking the ground and rising, but about metaphorically lifting yourself up by believing in your own worth and knowing that you are worthy, not because of what you do, but because of who you are.
We have beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, which result in generating thoughts in our mind. These thoughts are the basis of our feelings and emotions. If the feelings are positive, we feel energised. If the feelings are negative, we feel drained. These feelings result in our behaving and acting in a particular way, which results in consequences that reinforce our underlying beliefs and thoughts. Self-doubt can make you feel insecure, inferior, inadequate, anxious and confused. Positive feelings can generate positive energy that makes you confident and assertive.
It sounds quite complicated but it’s simple and straightforward. It means that if you change your underlying beliefs and consequent thoughts, your feelings will change and you will experience the world, and your relationships, differently.
Let’s look at this in the context of the relationship seesaw between children in school. Anand* was struggling to make friends in school which prompted his mother to seek counselling for him. He came to me with very low self-esteem and a belief that he was not good enough, worthy or capable. So, when he tried to make friends in school, he always questioned himself - “Am I ‘good enough’ to be their friend?” His self-doubt made him feel insecure, inferior, inadequate, anxious and confused. He felt drained of energy and lacked motivation. This made his behaviour towards potential friends tentative, submissive and unsure. He was willing to do anything to gain acceptance into the group. For him, the “others” were more powerful and superior to him. He did not realise that he was the one giving them the power! Anything he did was dictated and decided by the “others” while he meekly followed, that too only if they let him! This further reinforced his belief that he, indeed, was not good enough. With each passing day he ended up feeling worse about himself. His relationship seesaw had hit the ground. And stayed there.
After counselling, Ram’s side of the relationship seesaw gradually started rising, which naturally meant that the other side — where the other kids metaphorically sat — automatically started equalising itself and coming down. Not because of anything that the other kids did, but because of the changes that Anand started making within himself.
We support during therapy, Anand gradually started believing that he was good enough, worthy and capable. He then started asking himself a different question: “Were the other kids worthy of his friendship, or worth being friends with?” His belief in himself made him feel secure, energetic, confident and comfortable. His positive feelings made him behave confidently and helped him stand up for himself when needed. He felt more in control and his actions stemmed from the belief that he was equal to the others.
Have you ever thought of how much power over us we hand over to others, by allowing our side of the seesaw to sink? They become powerful not because of who they are (over which we have no control) but because of who we are in the relationship (over which we have complete control). When our side of the seesaw hits the ground, they appear to become a looming power over us. When we regain our balance, they become just one of us.
How balanced are your seesaws? It is important for us to think about this question with respect to all our relationships, especially the ones that don’t seem to be working well for us. Perhaps, we need to work on rebalancing some of the seesaws before it is too late! And often to be able to do this, you may need the help of a counsellor who will be able to help you recognize your worth and regain your control over it.
*name changed
About the Author
Maullika Sharma is a counsellor with over 18 years of experience. In her counselling practice called ‘Personal Orbit Change’ she helps adolescents and adults overcome their personal barriers to growth by confronting, challenging, and possibly changing, their beliefs, perceptions and stereotypes to free themselves from the bondages of their past. In working with them on a one-on-one basis, in complete confidentiality, she helps them tap into their undiscovered potential.
Maullika is an MBA who spent the first 13 years of her career in the IT industry, following a traditionally defined path to success. However, when her daughter was born her perspective on life changed. After taking a career break, she decided to go down a ‘road less travelled’ and discover new meaning for herself.
Maullika is a regular writer and her articles in the local press are very well received. All her previous writings and videos are archived on her blog: https://personalorbitchange.wordpress.com/
www.linkedin.com/in/maullikasharma
Instagram handle: @sharmamaullika