Mihir, a colleague who definitely falls into the frenemy camp, is making a presentation in front of blue-chip clients. You’re in the conference room along with your boss and the clients. Mihir starts off with a bang, exuding his usual bravado. Your boss smiles proudly and the clients seem to nod in agreement. However, when he starts presenting the numbers, Mihir falters. You had earlier offered to present the financials, but your boss decreed that Mihir alone should do the presentation. As Mihir flounders with the figures, you see furrows on your boss’ forehead. You suppress a smile and try to focus on the slides. By the end of the presentation, it’s clear that Mihir wasn’t prepared, and the clients walk away unimpressed. Your boss ticks off Mihir and you look away, hoping they don’t notice the hint of glee on your face.
Is it okay to feel schadenfreude?
This feeling of getting a kick out of another person’s misfortune is called schadenfreude, a word borrowed from German. In an article in Psyche, David Barash says that schadenfreude is ‘widespread’ and possibly ‘universal’ though we may be loath to admit it, to others and even to ourselves. Experiencing schadenfreude does not make you a sadist, who deliberately inflicts pain to feel good, nor does it make you a psychopath who lacks empathy for other people’s hardships.
Feeling schadenfreude doesn’t make us an evil or despicable person, just as feeling jealous or envious doesn’t efface the better angels of our nature. Barash points out that wishing these feelings away doesn’t make them disappear. In fact, he argues that the emotion might have evolutionary roots where “fitness is based on relative success.” So, when a peer who isn’t a close relative goes down, in whatever way, your standing receives a boost.
The emotion may also be bolstered by our belief in a just world. When someone who seems to have it all, experiences a setback, we cannot help ourselves from feeling a tinge of schadenfreude. Or, when someone who has slighted us, faces an obstacle, we may feel vindicated. Barash cites rabbi Harold Kushner who believes schadenfreude may also be an expression of relief. Though we don’t want bad tidings to hit friends, we may be unable to quell an “embarrassing spasm of gratitude” that it was them, not us.
Barash says that research supports the idea that people with healthy levels of self-esteem feel less schadenfreude than those who think poorly of themselves. Marginalized and vulnerable groups are more likely to experience schadenfreude, not because they are negative people, but because life circumstances are typically pitted against them.
One study that Barash cites examined the brains of baseball fans as they watched two hardcore rival teams play against each other. As expected, the “pleasure centres” in their brains lit up when the rival team suffered a loss. In another study, the brains of participants were similarly activated when they watched punishments being meted out to people whom they believed were ‘perpetrators.’ Apparently, this effect was more pronounced in males than females.
Tempering it down
What do we do when we experience schadenfreude? While we don’t have to berate ourselves, we may acknowledge it. Further, we may try to exhibit compassion for people who evoke this negative feeling in us. Though it may be hard to do it initially, compassion too is a skill that can be honed with practice. While you wish your friends well, try extending the same warmth to your frenemies. Just say to yourself, as you think of the person, “May you be happy, may you be free from suffering,” This phrase is a staple of loving-kindness meditation, an ancient Buddhist technique that is applicable in modern times as well.
Further, we may make an effort to inject more mudita into our lives. This Sanskrit word denotes vicarious joy, wherein we delight in the success of another. Though this comes naturally for people we’re close to, we may also cultivate it for more distant people, including our frenemies. While it will seem effortful and even strained at first, with effort and repeated practice, it can become second nature.
About the Author
(Aruna Sankaranarayanan is a psychologist & writer. She is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know. She blogs at www.arunasankaranarayanan.com.)