Ayub, known for his strong work ethic and affable demeanor, was always welcome on most teams at work. Easy to get on and work with, Ayub didn’t get on people’s wrong side. Until Keya entered the organization. She too found Ayub personable and professional, at first, and they became reasonably good friends, hanging out together with other colleagues on Friday nights. Soon enough, she also realized that Ayub was willing to pick up the flak when she fell short. She’d ooze a big “Thank you” and bring him homemade cookies every now and then. Over time, she fell into the habit of expecting Ayub to do her grunge work. When Ayub started feeling used, he resisted though he did not confront Keya explicitly. Within a week, he received a summons from the boss. Apparently, Keya had complained that he was not a team player.
Mixed signals
In a blog post on BBC.com, David Robson writes that frenemies at work can be the most anxiety-provoking because we have an “ambivalent” relationship with them. Unlike true friends and foes, where you know how you stand, our relationships with frenemies can be fraught with uncertainty. Robson cites research by psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad that shows that interactions with frenemies can be more detrimental to our health and well-being than those with whom we have clear-cut “aversive relationships.” The reason for this is that with frenemies we can’t be sure of how they will react. While they may be our champions in some instances, they may also take up cudgels against us. According to Robson, this “inherent uncertainty” is what makes these relationships so stressful.
Our relationships with frenemies are inherently complex and confusing, writes Helen Ofosu in a blog post of I/O Advisory. While they may vie for the same promotions, ingratiate themselves with the boss by telling on us or engage in office gossip, they also hang out with us and even lend a hand at times. Because of these mixed signals that aren’t entirely predictable, we’re never quite sure where we stand with them.
In an article in Forbes, Liz Ryan avers that frenemies act against your best interests when they feel threatened. Furthermore, because you’ve possibly revealed your vulnerabilities to them in sunnier times, when they attack, you’re taken aback. Ofosu also notes that frenemies are prone to envy and don’t necessarily feel happy for you when the boss praises your work or a client gives a glowing review.
Safeguard your space
Frenemies at work can be particularly problematic because you may operate in an environment that appears congenial but is actually competitive. Robson notes that workplace frenemies can both “help and hinder” you, compounding the everyday stresses of work. But if you notice this pattern to your relationship, you may cultivate a cool distance from them so that you don’t get swung like a pendulum based on their latest actions.
Ryan also cautions you to not spill your secrets to someone who has let you down. In fact, she suggests that you may avoid baring your soul to anyone at work. Even if you have workplace grievances that you would like to discuss, try to confide in a friend or family member who is not embroiled in your office politics. While you will definitely get their attention, you don’t have to worry about them sneaking up to your boss with tattle-tales.
Of course, it’s also wise to not make frenemies into outright enemies. You may continue to have a cordial relationship without making them your confidante. When it comes to frenemies, Ofosu recommends drawing “clear boundaries.” You may continue to be professional and personable without falling prey to their petty politicking.
About the Author
(Aruna Sankaranarayanan is a psychologist & writer. She is the author of Zero Limits: Things Every 20-Something Should Know. She blogs at www.arunasankaranarayanan.com)